It seems kind of funny to be writing a five month check in the same week I turned in my three months evaluation, but that's the truth of it (since I came a month early for my language lessons and since Guatemala in general runs at a much slower pace). Based on the grumbling I heard this last week, I'm one of the few people who thinks the evaluations are a good tool. I spent three days completing mine and while I didn't shy away from how my experience was going, I didn't want to use it as a venting session either. After all, why bother keeping a blog then? :) So here's my totally honest five month evaluation of my time in Guatemala (btw, for those who are wondering I'm on day 151 of 416, so about 36% of the way through).
First of all, let me say that I was definitely unprepared for what to expect here. I can't blame NPH on this (though I DO think they should have more support/education for folks before they come to the country.) I think the best thing I could have done for myself would have been to do more research about Guatemala before I left. I checked their laws around GLBT issues just for safety's sake, but other than that I was completely in the dark when I got here. I didn't understand the issues facing folks here (even now I'm only starting to learn this) so I feel like I made some mistakes in the beginning of my trip that I would avoid making now. For example, despite the increased privacy and convenience factor, I wouldn't have switched back into living at the school for a whole month. As the main means of income for the host family I was staying with, me leaving after a week when they were under the impression I was staying for five probably had a significant impact on them. I know you can't learn everything from the internet and being here on the ground learning first hand is way more powerful than reading a blurb on Wikipedia, but I feel like starting this trip with a little more preparation under my belt would have been helpful.
Speaking of preparation, language, language, language! This has held me back more than anything else so far. At five months in I feel like I'm FINALLY at the point where I can have a normal conversation with someone. Ordering food, buying things from the store and running errands are a breeze for me now; I can easily carry on friendly conversations with store owners and people I meet along the way. I still have some problems with more complicated things, like navigating doctor's appointments and answering phones. (For some reason my comprehension level drops in half when I'm on the phone. I guess it shows that I'm relying a lot more on body language and environmental factors than I realize). Also my hearing sucks, even when I'm speaking English on the phone I have to ask people to repeat themselves all the time. But anyway, five months. It took me five months to get to this point, which means for the last five months I've been floundering around sounding like a kindergardener with a speech impediment. I've now graduated to the weird uncle who says things at inappropriate times. When the kids say something I don't understand I just ignore them and ask if they want to hear a joke instead. The point is, I'm finally building relationships because I can talk to people and they can get a feel for my personality. I'm almost halfway through my trip and only now am I starting to bond with people. I feel like I stunted myself by not having a good handle on Spanish before my trip. If I could go back I would come to Guatemala a month earlier and spend two months in full-time language school.
The last thing I wish I could do-over is my wallet escapade. Dear Lord, it's hard living without money! I have the $15 a week that I get here but that's gone within a day, usually on buying popcorn or snacks for the kids. My fridge has been bare for weeks so I only eat what the kids eat in the cafeteria (the food has surprisingly been growing on me). I dream of buying a chicken sandwich at Burger King. I miss sitting in cafes on the weekend and updating my blog over a cup of coffee. But naturally there's a plus side to this, too. I feel like the ease in which I could switch from volunteer to tourist has been stripped from me, forcing me to live like the kids here. I no longer have the option to go out with my friends and have dinner or drinks. If I want to do something, I sit outside and read or play cards with someone. I don't think it's a coincidence that I've made several more friends here in the weeks since my wallet was stolen, it's forcing me to socialize more. Rainbows and butterflies aside though, I want my money back.
Okay, I didn't intend to only talk about things that I wish I could change. Let's get down to the real stuff now. I had a few goals when I chose to take this trip: help kids, become fluent in Spanish, get experience working internationally, and decide if I want to go back to school for public health and work internationally in the future. There are a lot of secondary goals too like setting a good example and learning about a new culture, but those are the big ones.
So, helping kids. I can check that one off, I definitely feel like I'm helping the kids here. In some ways its been harder than I expected. It's tough to spend all day working for no pay, then have a bunch of kids call you names and give you shit. It's hard to do keep my motivation up when I feel like the kids don't care that I'm there, or (on really bad days) when I feel like they don't deserve it. But then I'll get one kid who says thank you to me and that keeps me going for a while longer. I'm starting to get to know the kids better now and choosing to spend more time with the kids who are appreciative, shy and polite. Those are the kids that I want to dedicate my time to helping because they're the ones I can relate to (though I know the troubled kids probably need even more support). Bottom line is, I go home feeling good about my day far more often than I go home grumbling, and that's a good thing.
As I mentioned before, my Spanish is definitely improving. I can carry out a conversation with little problem. I frequently need people to repeat what they said, but I can usually get it the second time around. I'm not to the point where I would consider myself fluent, but I'm confident I'll be there before the end of the year.
I'm getting tons of experience working internationally which has been pretty much exactly as I imagined it. There are struggles to working in an under-funded, donation-dependent clinic but I feel that my personality is well suited for this kind of environment. Working in home care was definitely a good foundation for this kind of work. When you're in someone else's house caring for their children, you need to learn to balance your medical knowledge with the family's wishes. I've had homes without adequate supplies who need to reuse items in order to make them last through the year. It's something that wouldn't happen in a hospital but when you get under another person's roof you need to understand that the same medical rules are in place but the referee has changed. Things are going to be allowed now that weren't allowed before, and as a nurse you need to understand the medical rational behind enforcing these rules and try to perserve them under less than ideal circumstances. That's the same thing as working in a clinic. You don't always have gauze to clean wounds, you dont always have bandaids or syringes or even the medicine you need. You do the best you can with what you're given. The other way that this is similar to home care is that you need to work within the boundaries of someone else's lifestyle, you need to take the environment/culture/education into account when trying to care for patients and offer care that falls within their guidelines and is more likely to be accepted/followed up with. It would be silly to tell someone here to buy multivitamins for their kids because they can't afford them, its not going to happen. When we develop a care plan for someone we need to take into account that fact that they might not have access to clean water or electricity. Unless we're handing them medicine, chances are they can't afford to go buy some. Many people here are unable to read, so handing someone a flyer with instructions isn't going to help very much. It's challenging and I enjoy that.
That said, as of right now, I don't think I'm going to pursue this as a career. I enjoy the work, but it's hard. It's hard to work all day and then go home and miss your friends and family. I'm glad for the experiences that I'm having here, but I find myself more focused on going home and getting back to how things were. I miss my family, I miss dating, I miss eating something that is far removed from black beans.
I'm interested to see how the next few months of this experience will be. They say that the homesickness wears off around the halfway point and I can see the impact that my language is already having on my relationships; I'm sure that will continue. Maybe as I make more friends here I'll like it more. I see the other volunteers, the ones who will be leaving in two more months, and so many of them don't want to leave. I wonder if I'll eventually swing over to that side. For now, I'm happy to take what I can from each day and continue to count down the rest of my time here.
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